Insecurities

 

“They’re good,” they say,

and they don’t look at me,

“Those ones,” they say,

And that does not include me.

 

I smile and I nod,

Though deep down I despair,

And here I am, caught,

In jealousy’s filthy lair.

 

A loud voice whispers,

Sweetly, coursing like poison,

 “Not good enough” lingers,

and with it, desolation.

 

It’s tearing me apart,

The sin of self-pity.

Never leaving my heart,

The weight of insecurity.

 

I cannot be free,

Locked in my own design,

Chained to uncertainty,

With jealousy, unkind.

 

My own apprehension,

My own curse to bear,

It will be my motivation,

To learn not to care.

 


 

Thank you for reading,

Nicole.

Advertisements

memories

once,

it rained with tears,

the beat of it drums into my mind,

curling into the darkest corners,

heart twisting, breaking,

sorrow. 

 

once,

sunshine danced,

like joy bursting through every seam,

lighting up lonely rooms,

keeping hope alive,

happiness. 

 

once,

twice,

always.

 

memories,

they were once wrapped around my mind,

curling, unfurling, refusing to leave,

yet not.

 

days, into weeks, into years,

time becomes an enemy,

and now forgetting is too easy to do,

and memories disappear.

 

like mist, upon the horizon,

when the sun comes up,

when darkness chases light,

when time passes.

 

leaving nothing but dewdrops,

leaving nothing but a hint,

just a taste of something missed,

of something once was, and lost.

 

yet, words upon a page,

the erratic play of it, the chaos, the simplicity,

triggers the taste, the sight, the emotions,

evoking memories,

and once again–

 

 

I remember.

 

 

Oh, it is so hard to write now. The words don’t come as easily, and I’m more afraid of posting them up. A simple wordy play on memories as I couldn’t quite find the words to turn them into a short story.

This idea came about as I was scrolling through my previous blogs. (I think I’ve had at least 10 blogs to this date, with each created at a certain time in my life.) I was rereading a different blog with posts dating back to 6 years ago, and I found myself reminiscing. I cannot remember certain events clearly anymore, and yet upon rereading old posts, the emotions felt during those moments came rushing back.

Screen Shot 2017-11-16 at 10.23.01 PM

 

So cliche! So funny! And yet I’ve forgotten about this moment till I reread this. And now I remember, and I cannot believe I had lost this memory.

Writing can be extremely powerful, and I wish I had the drive to write about daily events again. Maybe someday I’ll write about certain impactful memories in the wards, about certain friends that light up each day, about certain painful moments.

And till then, thank you for reading whatever small snippet I choose to post up.

Love, Nicole.