questions – uncertainty

i ignored you then

so you cried, fought me, blamed me

and it was my fault

 

i pampered you then

yet you cried, fought me, blamed me

once again my fault

 

so what do i do

when i don’t know what to do

and yet i must know

 

as no one else knows

they just expect me to know

and i am struggling

 

do i ignore you

do i try to comfort you

tell me what to do

 

twenty seventeen

is ending with no answer

but something beckons

 

step by step we take

us together hand in hand

twenty eighteen calls

 

it is a new year

and i hope it teaches me

how to care again

 


 

Thank you for reading!

Last attempt at poetry for 2017.

Love, Nicole.

 

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Farewell 2017

I begin 2018 alone, just as I did, in the year 2017. In the beginning (or the ending of 2016), it made me melancholic, washed in the throes of sorrow. As if loneliness is synonym to abandonment, as if being alone is synonym to outcast.

I know it is not true, but as my darkest self rages on, caught in the bittersweet moment of endings – it is far too easy to be dragged down in desolation. It is then that I thought that 2017 would be laced with the undercurrents of hopelessness.

No. It was not so.

I had begun 2017 with sorrow, and yet the year 2017 has only been a blessing, with much of God’s grace in my life. He brought so much light into my life, and there were so many times that I would end up being so surprised at the happiness that life could give me.

Yet, it wasn’t as if there weren’t moments of despair, for which there were plenty.

Those were the times when I would pray for God not to test me, not to bring too much pain. “I cannot take it,” I would cry out, I would beg. But ultimately, I survived with His guidance, with the strength He has given me.

And so I would say that I end 2017 with mercy and grace. I end 2017 in quiet exultation, awaiting great things ahead. It is the end of another wonderful year of growth, but the work is not finished yet.

I have not finished learning. I have not finished becoming. I have not finished.

Therefore I declare the year 2018 to be a year of change.

I had been afraid in the year 2017. So frightened of the possibility that I might be consumed by unhappiness, by pain that I prayed for mercy. I could not bear the thought of my heart being broken, much like the years before this.

I will not be afraid in the year 2018.

I will not be afraid for the tumultuous times that will come. For there will be storms, the darkest of nights. If not for those, we will never truly see the brightest of skies.

I will welcome change, I will welcome a metamorphosis.

I will conquer 2018 with His power.

Even as I write those words, they are becoming true; morphing in the space of tomorrow, evolving into absolution.

Silence those fears, and embrace the change to come.

That will be my motto for 2018.

What will be yours?

 


 

Thank you for reading! I’m sorry for the sparsity of posts. A resolution for 2018 will be to blog more. And I do hope I keep at it. Anyhoo, thanks for joining me in this journey. Here’s to welcoming the year ahead. Cheers!

Nicole.