Venturing into a new place is never easy. There are lots of uncertainties abound. You don’t know anybody there, you don’t know how to get around. You’re alone, despite being surrounded by people. That’s just the way it is, till you’ve settled down more securely.
I’m still trying to settle down, I’m still trying to find my way— I’m often lost in my own world, searching for a way out of this fog. It is extremely difficult, what with having thrown into a tense place. One with lots of sadness and frustration shimmering in the air, of dissatisfaction and anger. Not many are happy here, and it fills the atmosphere with a murkiness that makes it hard to breathe sometimes.
“Don’t trust anyone.”
Despair fills me with those words. Why? Why is everyone so caught up in this cycle of fear and sorrow?
It is truly a difficult time for me to cope and manage in this place.
There is unbridled joy, joy at finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do. This happiness bubbles out of me at the end of a long tiring day. I may have been shouted at, belittled, and talked down upon— I may have been out of my wits end, faced with new problems and issues— But at the end of the day, at night, when I’m lying in my bed, I feel so much happiness at being able to do the things that I’ve always envisioned doing.
That I’m able to care and try my best for the kids, the little ones. It fills me with such pleasure and satisfaction. It is truly something I do not want to lose. (On the days that I may lose someone, this joy might fade to the distance but I hope it doesn’t disappear.)
They told me, “Don’t stop loving Paediatrics because of this place.” And I really really hope I never lose this joy. The work is hard, it really is— Nothing is ever easy in life, nothing comes without a bit of suffering. Still, I never want to be deprived of the contentment in doing this work.
To the future me,
I do pray that despite the obstacles that you will face, the hurt that you will encounter, and the unjustness of things that may unravel, that you will continue to stay strong and to fight.
May you never lose your love for Paediatrics.
P/S: Ending this with a poem that I found online.