questions – uncertainty

i ignored you then

so you cried, fought me, blamed me

and it was my fault

 

i pampered you then

yet you cried, fought me, blamed me

once again my fault

 

so what do i do

when i don’t know what to do

and yet i must know

 

as no one else knows

they just expect me to know

and i am struggling

 

do i ignore you

do i try to comfort you

tell me what to do

 

twenty seventeen

is ending with no answer

but something beckons

 

step by step we take

us together hand in hand

twenty eighteen calls

 

it is a new year

and i hope it teaches me

how to care again

 


 

Thank you for reading!

Last attempt at poetry for 2017.

Love, Nicole.

 

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Farewell 2017

I begin 2018 alone, just as I did, in the year 2017. In the beginning (or the ending of 2016), it made me melancholic, washed in the throes of sorrow. As if loneliness is synonym to abandonment, as if being alone is synonym to outcast.

I know it is not true, but as my darkest self rages on, caught in the bittersweet moment of endings – it is far too easy to be dragged down in desolation. It is then that I thought that 2017 would be laced with the undercurrents of hopelessness.

No. It was not so.

I had begun 2017 with sorrow, and yet the year 2017 has only been a blessing, with much of God’s grace in my life. He brought so much light into my life, and there were so many times that I would end up being so surprised at the happiness that life could give me.

Yet, it wasn’t as if there weren’t moments of despair, for which there were plenty.

Those were the times when I would pray for God not to test me, not to bring too much pain. “I cannot take it,” I would cry out, I would beg. But ultimately, I survived with His guidance, with the strength He has given me.

And so I would say that I end 2017 with mercy and grace. I end 2017 in quiet exultation, awaiting great things ahead. It is the end of another wonderful year of growth, but the work is not finished yet.

I have not finished learning. I have not finished becoming. I have not finished.

Therefore I declare the year 2018 to be a year of change.

I had been afraid in the year 2017. So frightened of the possibility that I might be consumed by unhappiness, by pain that I prayed for mercy. I could not bear the thought of my heart being broken, much like the years before this.

I will not be afraid in the year 2018.

I will not be afraid for the tumultuous times that will come. For there will be storms, the darkest of nights. If not for those, we will never truly see the brightest of skies.

I will welcome change, I will welcome a metamorphosis.

I will conquer 2018 with His power.

Even as I write those words, they are becoming true; morphing in the space of tomorrow, evolving into absolution.

Silence those fears, and embrace the change to come.

That will be my motto for 2018.

What will be yours?

 


 

Thank you for reading! I’m sorry for the sparsity of posts. A resolution for 2018 will be to blog more. And I do hope I keep at it. Anyhoo, thanks for joining me in this journey. Here’s to welcoming the year ahead. Cheers!

Nicole.

Insecurities

 

“They’re good,” they say,

and they don’t look at me,

“Those ones,” they say,

And that does not include me.

 

I smile and I nod,

Though deep down I despair,

And here I am, caught,

In jealousy’s filthy lair.

 

A loud voice whispers,

Sweetly, coursing like poison,

 “Not good enough” lingers,

and with it, desolation.

 

It’s tearing me apart,

The sin of self-pity.

Never leaving my heart,

The weight of insecurity.

 

I cannot be free,

Locked in my own design,

Chained to uncertainty,

With jealousy, unkind.

 

My own apprehension,

My own curse to bear,

It will be my motivation,

To learn not to care.

 


 

Thank you for reading,

Nicole.

memories

once,

it rained with tears,

the beat of it drums into my mind,

curling into the darkest corners,

heart twisting, breaking,

sorrow. 

 

once,

sunshine danced,

like joy bursting through every seam,

lighting up lonely rooms,

keeping hope alive,

happiness. 

 

once,

twice,

always.

 

memories,

they were once wrapped around my mind,

curling, unfurling, refusing to leave,

yet not.

 

days, into weeks, into years,

time becomes an enemy,

and now forgetting is too easy to do,

and memories disappear.

 

like mist, upon the horizon,

when the sun comes up,

when darkness chases light,

when time passes.

 

leaving nothing but dewdrops,

leaving nothing but a hint,

just a taste of something missed,

of something once was, and lost.

 

yet, words upon a page,

the erratic play of it, the chaos, the simplicity,

triggers the taste, the sight, the emotions,

evoking memories,

and once again–

 

 

I remember.

 

 

Oh, it is so hard to write now. The words don’t come as easily, and I’m more afraid of posting them up. A simple wordy play on memories as I couldn’t quite find the words to turn them into a short story.

This idea came about as I was scrolling through my previous blogs. (I think I’ve had at least 10 blogs to this date, with each created at a certain time in my life.) I was rereading a different blog with posts dating back to 6 years ago, and I found myself reminiscing. I cannot remember certain events clearly anymore, and yet upon rereading old posts, the emotions felt during those moments came rushing back.

Screen Shot 2017-11-16 at 10.23.01 PM

 

So cliche! So funny! And yet I’ve forgotten about this moment till I reread this. And now I remember, and I cannot believe I had lost this memory.

Writing can be extremely powerful, and I wish I had the drive to write about daily events again. Maybe someday I’ll write about certain impactful memories in the wards, about certain friends that light up each day, about certain painful moments.

And till then, thank you for reading whatever small snippet I choose to post up.

Love, Nicole.

 

Secret Sessions

Once, I dreamt of nothing.  I could not envisioned myself having that kind of torture. What kind of person would put themselves through that kind of pain, I questioned. I did not understand. Nor did I want to understand.

And as the years went by, and as people began to hurt themselves, or to heal themselves with this particular defining moment – I wonder, will I be next?

Yes, yes I was. It was then that I slowly learnt that while it may be torture, it did bring joy. It brought some life into me, and a confidence I did not expect. It is as though there is freedom through chains.

Now I’ve made a choice, a choice to break free from the norm. And with it I find judgemental and shocking retaliations from close friends. It hurt me for a moment, and with it came loneliness. Am I really alone in this stand?

It is difficult for me to talk about it because I do not know who would truly understand. And so, I will keep silent, and continue to do so despite my discomfort. After all, loose lips sinks ships.

In any case, Step 1 is ready, and onward to Step 2. The preparation that comes will be long and tiring, but I will be ready. My dreams has changed since then, and there will be more than nothing beyond this horizon.

Perhaps one day I’ll be brave enough to talk about what has changed. Till then, there is only the exercise of secrecy.

Nicole.

Amnesia

Occasionally I reread drafts in my writing folder and I wonder – did I really write this? 

There are times I cringe at my horrible writing, and then there are times where I go – holy shit I wrote this? When? How? And why did I stop? 

Today I read something interesting that I wrote that was apparently the prologue for a new novel I was planning for. Unfortunately I have lost most of my files for that particular idea and so I have no idea what I was thinking then, and what I wanted to do with it, haha!

Oh well, I would have procrastinated from writing it anyway.

This just goes to show that I should continue writing little by little everyday, even if it is a 50 word story. Skills rust with disuse, and I do not want to lose this small skill that I have.

So yes, maybe to more writing? (And now writing is an escape from studying for exams – oh self, why you gotta be this way.)


Thank you for reading.

Love, Nicole.

Hari Malaysia 2017

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. As always, when exams are approaching, that’s when ideas come pouring out. I’ve many pending works, most of my stories incomplete on that writing website. Mirror Madness is on hold, and suddenly I’ve been itching to write Zanefier’s story once again. (Zanefier being the lead character in the very first novel that I attempted to write. I miss her.)

Today I was wasting time on Facebook, procrastinating from studying when I saw a mini competition – to write on what it means to be Malaysian. Once upon a time, I wrote a story for MPH on Being Malaysian and won the consolation prize. It struck me with nostalgia (coincidentally the name of my story haha!) and I decided to write a short piece on what being Malaysian means to me now as an adult. It’s only about 150++ words because I’m very rusty and also because the mini competition only asked for about 100-200 words. It’s nothing much – but perhaps it is the start to a writing frenzy.

Anyway, here it is!

Continue reading “Hari Malaysia 2017”

Day 4 – Why You Gotta Be So Mean

Day 4 of tagging in the Surgical department and it has been an exhilarating experience. It has been a tremendously enlightening experience, and I’ve learned so much in just a few days and yet I know that it’s not enough, far from enough and that I’ll learn even more and more each day.

The days are long and tiring but I get the satisfaction of knowing that I’ve finally begun the journey of becoming a better doctor than yesterday. Each and every day is a learning process and I’m enjoying it.

It can be terrifying, doing new things on the go, with little preparation. I find myself clueless, fumbling for answers and generally trying to get things done while being completely stunned by the responsibility I’m holding.

What a strange, new experience.

I’ve been feeling so stressed up by the amount of things I do not know and I’ve been struggling and trying to do things right. Eventually this emotion overflows and I cry.

Getting yelled at after crying and chased away from the wards isn’t a nice feeling as well, but I suppose every new HO will feel this way at some point in their journey to becoming a good doctor.

I will persevere. Each day is a new day, and I’ll become better than yesterday.

Yes.

Fight on, dear self.

 

Love,

Nicole.

Day 0 – HO Life

Dear Self,

Today is the first day for you in Sandakan. It’s the first time you’ve set foot in Sabah, and it’s been an interesting journey already despite it being just the first day here. No details will be shared publicly, but you know how hard it has been today. And it’s only the beginning.

On Wednesday, you’ll be starting on your job. This job that you’ve been preparing yourself for, these past seven years. It has been grueling, tiresome, and I want you to remember where and when it all begin. You need to remember the steps that you’ve taken to reach this point. You need to remember—

Because when times are hard, remember that you’ve gone through difficult times before and each time—

It has only made you stronger.

Let’s begin.

Right after SPM, you were given two scholarships, two choices, and both very different. Were you going to embark on a journey to become a doctor and study in India? Or were you going to be a teacher, and study Literature in the UK? Those were the choices given to you, and both of them were your passions. You have always wanted to be a doctor since you were a child, and as you grew older and developed a bond with reading and writing, you have also started to dream about studying English Literature. And God has blessed you with the choice of selecting a path to either one of your passions. It was a tough decision. Do you remember how many sleepless nights you had as you contemplated on which choice you would take?

In the end, you chose Medicine, mostly because the chance to become a doctor wouldn’t have been possible without the scholarship, and to obtain it was a miracle, a blessing, and you didn’t want to lose that chance.

From that moment on, you sealed your fate. You chose this journey.

We move on to those two years of pre-med in INTEC. One of the most amazing times in your life, a transition period, a ‘getting-to-know-yourself’ phase. In this part of your life, you took a step of faith, you chose to change yourself in ways that you never knew you could. Despite all the ups and downs that you encountered, you haven’t had any regrets as these experiences has only made you stronger, and I want you to remember that.
India—

Ah, what memories. From dissecting bodies during Anatomy lessons, crying over Biochemistry, staying up the whole night to study to struggling with the Kannada language—

There has been so many amazing, crazy, strange moments during the first two and a half years in Manipal. I cannot recall a time when you regretted this choice to take Medicine at this point in time. Perhaps you griped about it as you tried memorizing information in textbooks. And yet—

It wasn’t a regret.

You were always filled with gratitude, with joy whenever you were able to interact with patients. You adored talking to patients whenever you could. You still remember that child that you were taking care of in the Paediatrics ward in Karkala don’t you? You’ll never forget his smile when he got better and overcame pneumonia. Those are the moments that you cherish, those are the moments that you remember when times are hard. You made a small difference just by being there, and that matters to you.

Coming back to Melaka and heading off to the hospital every day has been interesting. Diseases encountered here back in your homeland is slightly different. You begun to learn about the hospital protocols, about ways to take cases.

You had some regrets at this point. When it got too hard, you would say, “Ah, why didn’t I pick Literature instead?”. And yet, if you had done so, you wouldn’t have met the love of your life, you wouldn’t have met your beautiful friends, you wouldn’t have gone through breakups, heartaches, and you wouldn’t have become the person you are today.

So you persevered. You toughened yourself up. You learned, despite it being so difficult.

Despite being yelled at, despite being hit. You persevered and learned.

Exams were hard, lecturers could be cruel, you cried a lot. You struggled.

And yet, there were the good days when a few would pat you on your back, hug you and spoke to you. Your love held you in his arms, and he helped you through the dark days as well.

You struggled through medical school. Indeed you struggled.

And yet—

Everything would be eased yet again.

How so, you might say, when you read this back on a terrible day.

I want you to remember then, the feeling that you get after you’ve worked hard. The absolute joy that you feel when you’re able to help patients, when you’re doing your absolute best. When patients thank you, when they smile at you, when their hands shake yours with such gratitude.  I want you to remember why you’re doing this, why you still chose this path.

You have always loved Medicine, loved being a doctor. Your ultimate joy comes from assisting those who need help. Those who have come to seek your help.

There might be those who are ungrateful, who yell at you. There will always be someone who isn’t satisfied despite the fact that you’ve done your best. There will always be hatred when you try to counter with kindness. But don’t let that get you down too much, don’t let them win.

So, let me remind you yet again on your love for this field. Don’t forget those who gave you a smile, a kind word, and blessed you when you told them that you were going to be a Doctor. When that Pak Cik says, “Saya doakan untuk kamu ya dik.” When that Auntie says, “Thank you Doctor.” When the Mother says, “My child hasn’t smiled since he got sick, but you made him smile again.” Those are the moments you will always remember. Those are the moments that give you strength. Those are the moments—

Never forget those who held your hand, thanked you for helping them, and gave you a smile. Never forget the sacrifices your parents made to get you to this point. Never forget the blessings of God that has led you here today. Never forget your family, your relatives who has prayed for you each and every day. Never forget that life is always hard, and there will always be the good and the bad in every situation—

Persevere.

Persevere.

Persevere.

In the darkness, there will be light. There will always be suffering, there will always be hurts, there will always be troubles. But no matter what, there will also always be those who will stick by you, there will always be a beautiful end.

Never give up, never surrender.

Remember why you chose this path, remember your passion for the job, remember your love for helping others, remember the joy you feel on doing your best—

Always remember.

Always.

 

Love,
Nicole
9.20pm, 30th May, 2016.

silly little drabbles

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Sometimes I wonder which is better. To simply post up random snippets, or to properly write them down and to take a screenshot of it, as if it’s poetry worth reading.

Haha, please let me know which formatting you’d prefer.

Thank you for reading,

Nicole.