Secret Sessions

Once, I dreamt of nothing.  I could not envisioned myself having that kind of torture. What kind of person would put themselves through that kind of pain, I questioned. I did not understand. Nor did I want to understand.

And as the years went by, and as people began to hurt themselves, or to heal themselves with this particular defining moment – I wonder, will I be next?

Yes, yes I was. It was then that I slowly learnt that while it may be torture, it did bring joy. It brought some life into me, and a confidence I did not expect. It is as though there is freedom through chains.

Now I’ve made a choice, a choice to break free from the norm. And with it I find judgemental and shocking retaliations from close friends. It hurt me for a moment, and with it came loneliness. Am I really alone in this stand?

It is difficult for me to talk about it because I do not know who would truly understand. And so, I will keep silent, and continue to do so despite my discomfort. After all, loose lips sinks ships.

In any case, Step 1 is ready, and onward to Step 2. The preparation that comes will be long and tiring, but I will be ready. My dreams has changed since then, and there will be more than nothing beyond this horizon.

Perhaps one day I’ll be brave enough to talk about what has changed. Till then, there is only the exercise of secrecy.

Nicole.

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