i do not love you except because i love you

A cold, rainy morning with the sun not yet quite rising. It’s a lovely morning and I have another hour to go before I have to wake up for work but sleep eludes me. On a whim, I click open a link to a fanfic with 4000 kudos and I start reading.

In minutes I have tears in my eyes. Upon reaching the halfway point, I’m sobbing and have to stop for a while to find tissues. This is a story so delicately written, so finely tuned to sorrow and love that I am left gutted. Upon reaching the end, I am left feeling hollow because there is no happy ending. Only an end to a story.

It is an ending that best fits the tale and leaves a bittersweet taste. I cry a little more before I proceed to read the poem that has inspired the story. It’s such a lovely poem that I find myself compelled to write in my blog once again to share this gem.

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it’s you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Pablo Neruda

It’s beautiful and it’s heart-wrenching in the best ways. I hope you enjoyed reading the poem as I did.

Love, Nic.

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For the curious ones, the story that I read was a fanfic on BakuDeku from BNHA. I won’t say much more because everyone has their own taste in fiction. It is however, a story about someone who pulls away from a lover because their love was seemingly not reciprocated. The other does not understand why. It hurts in all the best ways. There is no happy ending. As the author said, it is a journey that we are not privy to. What a delightful way to put it. If you’re keen to find out more, leave me a note and I’ll link it to you.

My eyes are swollen at work now but it’s a pain I’ll gladly bear. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to write something so sad that people cry over it haha. (I’ll just have to get off my butt and start writing again first.)

Cheers!