A cold, rainy morning with the sun not yet quite rising. It’s a lovely morning and I have another hour to go before I have to wake up for work but sleep eludes me. On a whim, I click open a link to a fanfic with 4000 kudos and I start reading.
In minutes I have tears in my eyes. Upon reaching the halfway point, I’m sobbing and have to stop for a while to find tissues. This is a story so delicately written, so finely tuned to sorrow and love that I am left gutted. Upon reaching the end, I am left feeling hollow because there is no happy ending. Only an end to a story.
It is an ending that best fits the tale and leaves a bittersweet taste. I cry a little more before I proceed to read the poem that has inspired the story. It’s such a lovely poem that I find myself compelled to write in my blog once again to share this gem.
I do not love you except because I love you; I go from loving to not loving you, From waiting to not waiting for you My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it’s you the one I love; I hate you deeply, and hating you Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume My heart with its cruel Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you, Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
Pablo Neruda
It’s beautiful and it’s heart-wrenching in the best ways. I hope you enjoyed reading the poem as I did.
Love, Nic.
For the curious ones, the story that I read was a fanfic on BakuDeku from BNHA. I won’t say much more because everyone has their own taste in fiction. It is however, a story about someone who pulls away from a lover because their love was seemingly not reciprocated. The other does not understand why. It hurts in all the best ways. There is no happy ending. As the author said, it is a journey that we are not privy to. What a delightful way to put it. If you’re keen to find out more, leave me a note and I’ll link it to you.
My eyes are swollen at work now but it’s a pain I’ll gladly bear. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to write something so sad that people cry over it haha. (I’ll just have to get off my butt and start writing again first.)
Writing can be a lonesome thing. Why so? When you sit at your desk, facing the screen, you seem to be the only one struggling to type out those words to fill a line, a page, a book.
I laugh when I see this photo of Kafka’s diary on writing.
I have to admit, the writing isn’t going well. By writing I mean, plotting for my novel ideas. It’s been difficult to get into the rhythm of writing again. I’ve been trying to sit down and pen my thoughts to the screen. No longer pen to paper as it is. But the words won’t come, the ideas won’t flow.
While stagnant on the novel-writing front, I’ve been gaining some traction in poetry instead. I was reading some of Ocean Vuong’s previous works and his new book – Time is a Mother. I was inspired. I love the way he worked his thoughts and emotions into words. I love the way it echoes with his intention. It gives me so much to think about and at the same time, I want to break free and write.
As I read each line in his book, words came to me instead for poems that I could write. And yet- I’m not able to write good poems. Trashy ones, sure. But not the really good ones that makes you think. Not like the poems from esteemed poets that I like.
I read a quote somewhere, I can’t remember the exact words anymore – but the attempt to emulate great writers is a noose around your neck. I felt it deeply when I read it. Because it’s a fear that I’ll never be as good as them, so why bother? It’s a thought that says, “I can’t do it as well as they do, so I won’t bother trying.”
Despite those negative, defeatist thoughts, I want to try. The first step to that would be to read more, to learn, to practice. With a little help from Reddit, I was able to find my way to Stephen Fry’s ‘An Ode Less Travelled: Unlocking the Poet Within.’ It is a fine book about the techniques used in poetry and I’ve been reading and doing the exercises in the book.
And so, instead of actually increasing my word count for Camp NaNoWriMo, I’ve been praciticing how to write better poetry instead. I’m still in the early chapters of Stephen Fry’s book. I’m also trying to tackle Ocean Vuong’s Time is a Mother. The poems is there are complex, nuanced flavours that I need time to taste. I’m letting each one sit in a brain a little longer to let the words really express themselves.
On the other hand, I’ve also been reading a lot of novels. Ever since I got an Ipad and downloaded the Kindle app, I’ve been reading again! I don’t know why. I still have my physical books gathering dust in my cupboard but somehow I have more of an appetite for the ebook versions? I thought of myself as someone who loves the feel and touch and smell of books. I used to hate getting my eyes blinded by the white glare of the screen. But now somehow I prefer the opposite? What is this sorcery? Reading is a key part to writing, that’s what I tell myself as an excuse to keep reading. I’m also making sure I write reviews for the books this time, in order to exercise my brain a little – making sure I pay attention to characterization, scenes and writing style.
I likely won’t succeed in Camp NaNoWriMo this month. I’m too busy reading on how to write better poetry and rereading epic fantasy novels that I love.
I’m also not in the best of health at the moment, both mentally and physically. I’ll probably write about that next.
Till the next one then!
Love, Nicole.
A photo taken outside my apartment on one fine evening just before it rained heavily.
I’ve found that I somehow interspace random blog posts with highly emotional ones, ones where I tend to share about depression, limitations, fear. It’s like the fluctuations of my mood – it goes up and up and then a drop right down to the abyss. On these days, when my mood is bleak, it’s hard to feel anything other than sorrow. The tears are often just right there at the edge of my eyes, but I close them firmly, letting them seep to my skin and sink in instead. They aren’t allowed to fall, not until I’m alone and the darkness consumes me whole.
Some days I feel like shouting to the world – this is how it feels to grieve for someone alive, this is what it means to burn and be reborn in ashes – and on other days I wish to keep it a secret, to keep it hidden behind false smiles and quiet sighs.
Today is one of the bad days. A simple trigger and a whole dimension of weariness and pain comes crashing through.
So many hearts, with the means to do me good, yet instead – gives me great pain. I don’t know how to overcome this. Perhaps in the years to come, with lots and lots of therapy – but till then, let me write.
I’ll write something that isn’t quite poetry, I’m not skilled enough for that. It isn’t quite a rant either, with its metaphors and hidden tales. It’s just something. Something a little of me.
PROMPT: SMALL THINGS.Sometimes, life is about appreciating the smaller moments: a joke shared between friends; experiencing your favourite dessert; eating too much hotpot and having to take Gaviscon (every time!). Tell us more about your minor moments, the little things that move you.
Topic: Words
It’s the small things they say Ugly Their eyes are cruel, their mouths are foul And the word, however small A second skin it becomes
It’s the small things they say Useless Your best is not enough, the work takes your soul And the word, however small A shadow it becomes
It’s the small things they say Unwanted Estranged from family, thrown out in the cold And the word, however small A prison it becomes
It’s the small things he says Beautiful His eyes sparkle, his smile sincere And the word, however small Peels the insecurities away
It’s the small things he says Capable He enourages the bold steps, he assures And the word, however small Cast the doubts away
It’s the small things he says Together Your hands are held, there is no fear And the word, however small Gives you a home, to the end of days.
Attempted to write something for the Malaysian Poetry Writing Month. I took a look at the prompt and was quite keen to pen something down. It isn’t really anything good but it’s something. Please give some advice or guidance on how to do better!
Hello friends. Here I am procrastinating by writing a blog post about my thoughts on writing instead of actually plotting for my upcoming novel for Camp NaNoWriMo.
The banner for this year’s programme.
For the uninitiated, you may be wondering what the heck even is NaNoWriMo? Why the capitalisation of random alphabets? Well, it actually stands for National Novel Writing Month. It’s usually held in the month of November every year. It’s basically a community of writers encouraging each other to reach a goal of writing 50000 words in a month. There’s even a certificate that’s handed out by the end of the month if you’ve succeeded in reaching the goal. It’s a very fun project. You get to browse a lovely forum filled with an incredible range of writers – all procrastinating from actually writing as well – with tons of tips and tricks to encourage you to write. Yes, the irony is not lost on me. Haha!
In the past few years they’ve actually held a version of it in April which has a more flexible goal and timeframe. Instead of writing 50000 words for a novel, you get to choose if you’d like to focus on writing a script instead or a less daunting word count. I chose to set a goal of 30000 words seeing as how 50000 words seemed like quite a bit of a stretch for someone who hasn’t flexed their writing fingers for a long time.
Even thinking of writing a thousand words a day for a whole month has me shaking in my seat. Oh dear God what have I gotten myself into. I think the most I’ve written in a day for the past year or so would be the 100-300 words of patient reviews in case notes.
As a start, I’ve decided that if I’m not able to write anything down for the novel, I might as well blog about something. So you might find a surge of posts about inane or boring topics on this blog. There might also be a lack of posts; a consequence of either me being so caught up in writing the novel or the direct opposite – I’ve procrastinated so much that I’ve not written anything at all. (At this point I’m tempted to add in a meme or emoticon to further illustrate my point but I shall refrain. It’ll probably distract from the utter seriousness I’m trying to portray on my blog. HAH.)
I’m typing this out as sort of a post about accountability I suppose. So you get to message me and ask, “HAVE YOU WRITTEN TODAY?” And if you’ve gotten this far, let me tell you a little about the stories that I’m planning to write in April.
I’m primarily focusing on a story that involves the concept of soulmates. But it isn’t the sort that involves butterflies, sunshine, DRAMA. I want to write something that is aromantic in a world that emphasizes on it. I have a set of characters in my head that isn’t quite fully fleshed out yet (I’m procrastinating, help me) and a series of plots that I haven’t quite pieced together. I wanted it to be a novel which has short stories about how these random human beings connected with one another. My husband told me that I should consider making it a series of books instead and that got me laughing. His enthusiasm in my story is very endearing and motivating. Anyway, I’m still working out the kinks. I don’t really have much beyond a general idea that I wanted to bring out. Hopefully it works out.
The other novel that I’m thinking of jotting down ideas for is actually one that I’ve written halfway several years back. I reread the few chapters that I wrote and I was intrigued by my own writing. I wanted to know what happened next! And that made me feel excited! If I actually wanted to read it, it could only mean that my story has potential right? Well, I certainly hope so. The draft is really rough around the edges but there’s a plot and there’s two characters that I like. I might fiddle around with this story too if the soulmates one doesn’t pan out. It’s more of a story for those in the middle-school age group. Nothing too dramatic that involves sparkly vampires and under-the-rain kisses.
There’s also MaPoWriMo in April, the Malaysian initiative for writing poetry. A prompt will be released every day in the month of April and anyone can submit their poems to be enjoyed and also to be critiqued if you’re new to it. I’ve always written really sub-par poems. I write with the most basic of rules – alliteration. I’m not great at line breaks, the musicality of it. I try, but really, it’s just a bunch of words thrown together haphazardly. It would be nice to learn to write poetry, and MaPoWriMo does encourage newbies to post up their work on their Facebook group to be critiqued. Am I brave enough for that though? Maybe not just yet. According to this article about how to write better poems – I should read more poems in order to get a better grasp of it. I think I’ll start with that. Reading. Then attempting.
Oh, I’ve also almost forgot about that one other writing event that I told myself to participate in. It’s a writing competition organized by the University of Nottingham Malaysia. It’s called the Malaysian Short Story Writing Competition 2022 – straight to the point haha – and it closes in June. I’ve linked it for those interested. I’m still in a dilemma as to what to write about since there’s no theme for it, nor a general direction for the stories they’re looking for. I’m thinking of writing a story about Covid-19 but then again, aren’t we all just so tired of the virus already. Oof. Back to sitting on the thinking chair.
Now that I’ve written it out, it seems like a whole lot. Hmm. I suppose I’ll just have to try and see how it goes. Seems like that’s my motto nowadays.
I do hope this post has been a small source of enjoyment for you. Nothing much to this really, other than the fact that I’ve just written 1032 words of pure nonsense. Now I really have to get back to actually plotting for my novel.
This is a really difficult topic for me to write about. It’s actually about my work, my motivations, my drive in life. It’s also another long rambly post, so take a seat, grab a drink, and read away.
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. As always, when exams are approaching, that’s when ideas come pouring out. I’ve many pending works, most of my stories incomplete on that writing website. Mirror Madness is on hold, and suddenly I’ve been itching to write Zanefier’s story once again. (Zanefier being the lead character in the very first novel that I attempted to write. I miss her.)
Today I was wasting time on Facebook, procrastinating from studying when I saw a mini competition – to write on what it means to be Malaysian. Once upon a time, I wrote a story for MPH on Being Malaysian and won the consolation prize. It struck me with nostalgia (coincidentally the name of my story haha!) and I decided to write a short piece on what being Malaysian means to me now as an adult. It’s only about 150++ words because I’m very rusty and also because the mini competition only asked for about 100-200 words. It’s nothing much – but perhaps it is the start to a writing frenzy.
Sometimes I wonder which is better. To simply post up random snippets, or to properly write them down and to take a screenshot of it, as if it’s poetry worth reading.
Haha, please let me know which formatting you’d prefer.
Victorious Heart 